A quick detour from my normal life updates for some more serious stuff:
As much as I adore surprises, I’ve never loved uncertainty. Mostly because I have a problem with boredom. Like, it makes me go crazy. I’ve set my mind on staying busy all the time. Hard to do when you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Any moment I could find myself with the dreaded problem: nothing to do.
Mind you, I’ve got my list. I’ve got three online courses, two internships, a reading list, a project list, a book to edit, people to call. An emergency plan for those empty afternoons. I am happy to report that only twice since I started this adventure year have I run into my most dreaded opponent, free time.
Mind you, I am not being sarcastic. I am not complaining about being too busy in a roundabout way. I promise, I am completely serious. I have a fear of free time. My mind goes places that I hate. Free time is dangerous time. It is unprotected. It brings me always to the depths of despair.
I thought I got a job at a bakery; it was going to be perfect. Then I had to quit after the first day due to a policy I could not practice in good conscience. I felt the Lord leading me to leave. I told Him I was going to trust in Him to figure something else out. So far my job search has been completely fruitless.
Will the Lord not let me have any structure? No college. No job. No guarantee of income or way to track productivity? Lord!
I’ve been realizing lately that I have a problem. I plow through life, finding what needs to be done and doing it as quickly as possible. As soon as I’ve finished I search desperately for another thing to do. Maybe the Lord won’t let me get a job, maybe he won’t let me fill up my time – even with good things. Maybe he is waiting for me to just stop and turn to Him.
I’ve been reminded of one of my favorite quotes:
Life isn’t about getting through a to do list, even if it is an impressively awesome one.