|“Today I have a sore throat. it is not pleasent.” -Susanna 11 yrs. I started simple.|
In a bout of insomnia last night, I began perusing some of my old diaries. I’ve been journaling for quite a long time now. Once in a while it is fun to go back and learn about the me that was years ago. And although the majority of my scribblings entail one cliche teenage woe after another (“I’m so fat”, “nobody understands me,” you get the picture), peppered between the embarrassing bouts are bits that make me smile.
|-Susanna Age 7. Pretty much the gist of all 12 of my adolescent journals.|
When I read my old journals, I always learn something. I remember important life lessons learned the hard way years before. (How humbling it is to learn things from your thirteen year old self!). I realize how stupid constantly worrying about my weight is and how futile are my hundreds and hundreds of attempts to improve myself without Christ. And I see, by pasting entry after entry together, just how blessed I am. Blessed and so often blind to that blessing.
My favorite things to find in my old journals are,
Embarrassing Adolescent ponderings, age 13:
I want to “start a new story”,
it is on my to do list-
penciled in between “knit a hat” and “clean the bathroom,”
with an empty check box next to its maybe too big demand.
How to start a new story?
A fresh story.
No doubt an exciting adventure minus all my past weaknesses-
minus pimples, fatness, and emotions over nothing.
Plus freedom, happenings, and daily new beginnings.
Will I never be who I want to be?
I’m tired of jogging in place and running around in circles.
Will I never be what “they” want from me?
Will I always be a lie?
A figment of nobody’s imagination?
Fun happenings I had forgotten about:
Zachary turned nine. Like a good big sister, I bought him toilet bowl cleaner for his birthday.
We used it for a chemistry experiment (AKA MADE A BOMB!)
Conversations with Sarah:
“Should I have you in my room tonight or should I have my alone time? – I could do my alone time tomorrow morning.”
“No, its okay. Why don’t you go ahead and have your alone time. We can have a sleepover tomorrow.”
“…I think I’m too tired to have my alone time tonight.”
“WOAH. What do you do in your alone time? Should I be concerned?”
Remembering old dreams that are still just as pertinent:
“My dream house – it is a trailer.” -Susanna age 9.
Learning about my past self:
5 little known facts about me at age 13
1. I absolutely never write with anything other than a mechanical pencil.
2. I love any sweater with huge buttons.
3. I’m too impatient to use blowdryers.
4. My favorite animals are buffalo.
5. I have huge feet.
Hello world, I am 15 years old.
I like trinkets and spiders and stories untold.
Every night after ten my life will unfold.
For deep in my mind, past all that I keep,
are stories and dreams wide and deep,
each on that I feel
as I sleep.
Hello world, I live in the woods
past hungry coyotes and hidden squirrel goods.
Here, only here, can I be understood.
And although inside lie my house and my bed,
I’d rather make company of mute nature instead.
And should I die young,
here my spirit shall tread.
Random thoughts, age 17:
Never squish a caterpillar. I absolutely cannot stand the sight or thought of a dead caterpillar. If they live their entire life for something, day by day working toward a single goal, isn’t it only fair for them to have a one second chance to be a butterfly? Don’t kill them while they are trying so hard. Let them fly! If only for a second, let them fly!
Poem attempts, age 15:
I am just a little scrub bush
at rest between the trees
neath their shadows glory hush
I rest and no one sees
I longed to be a flower
with beauty all my own
or in grass’s sweet chorus
not silent and alone
my life can be quite dreary
as dry as ugly scrub
near radiant mountain beauty
alone in a hub bub
and yet as here I stand still
with wind between despair
God made me with for a reason
He says “you’re needed here.”
And most importantly, between all the adolescent despair and complaining, between all the crazy happenings and deep griefs, there was one solid rock. Throughout my years, my Lord and Savior have been there. There have been times when I forsook him, when I tried to run away from my faith. And yet, He was always waiting, ready for me whenever I turned back to him.
Well today wasn’t an easy one. I suppose I must just keep looking for the Lord.
You know what I’ve found?
All my surroundings are rock hard dry ground
Every thing that I’ve cared for
Every dream good and bad
Every love I’ve imagined
Every joy that I’ve had
Brought a mountain of suffering
Brought a truck load of pain
Before fading like nothing
Leaving only a stain
But one shining in sweetness
Has captured me free
Washing all stains with bloodshed
When he died, loving me
Before time began ticking
He set me apart
And when vanity’s finished
He will still have my heart.
While everything is fading
(Since what is not real won’t last)
I find in my past:
One who is faithful
One who can heal
One who has always been there
Only one who is real
When vanities are set plain
How wrong I would be
Not to pour all that I am
on “The True” who loves me
The Lord Jesus doesn’t give up on us. He is my hope and my trust. I’d rather be a no on in Christ than somebody all alone. Really, I am here simply by the mercy and Grace of my God. My dear beloved.
When I read my past journals, I am always impressed with His hidden and yet oh so detailed care for me. It is truly by His mercy and grace that I am here today.